1 5分雅思小作文如何逆袭7分
童鞋们在练习小作文时，
有木有养成纠错的好习惯呢?
Vicky墙裂建议:
要想拿高分，
必须学会纠错!
下面Vicky帮你精改一篇雅思小作文
附带各部分改动的详解原因，
烤鸭们快来学习如何改错吧!
Question：
The following infographic outlines current parenthood trends for all Australian births, Australian births to mothers under the age of 25 and Australian family composition.
Write a brief report of at least 150 words describing the information depicted here.
以下图表概述了澳大利亚所有出生人数目前的生育趋势、25岁以下妈妈们的生育情况和澳大利亚家庭组成情况。
写一篇不少于150字的简短报告描述图表呈现的相关信息。
先来看一篇未改动之前的低分例文，
细心的你，
发现了哪些错误呢?
又或者是你的真实写照，
浑然不知嘞?
低分例文：
The pie charts are showing the current parenthood trends for all Australian births, Australian births to mothers under the age of 25 and Australian family composition .
At the first pie chart, we can see that the biggest portion is of the single mothers who give birth to children while they are under the age of 25 years old. While the rest of the mothers are already married their percentage is 28%.
At the second pie chart, it is immediately clear that more than half of the births are by married couples while almost third of the births are by single mothers.
As for the children. We can see that almost 4 in every 5 children live with a family consisting of a mother and a father , while the rest live either in a single mother family or a single father family.
We can infer from these pie charts that single motherhood which was once largely limited to poor women and minorities is becoming the new norm. This prevalence is due in part to the growing trend of children born outside marriage, a social trend that was virtually unheard of decades ago.
如果你发现很多错误，
Vicky给你点赞!
没发现的童鞋，
表伤心，
跟着Vicky一起来改正吧!
精改范文：
The pie charts ❶are showing show the current parenthood trends for all Australian births, and Australian births to mothers under the age of 25. ❷while the infographic shows and Australian family ❸composition . composition.
❶ 该情境下不应该使用现在进行时，are showing 表示此时正在发生的事情，不符合逻辑，而我们需要讨论的是圆饼图上的客观情况，应该使用一般现在时态即可。
❷ 圆饼图并没有给出Australian family composition的信息，是整个图表上显示的。
❸标点前不应该使用空格。
❶ At In the first pie chart, ❷ we can see it can be seen that ❸ the biggest portion is of the single mothers who give birth to children while they are under the age of 25 years old. While the rest of the mothers are already married their percentage is 28%.most children are born to married couples, at 66%. This is in contrast to the rest of the births, which are to unmarried mothers, at 34%.
❶ 介词使用错误
❷ 在正式的写作中，尤其是陈述客观情况时，应该避免使用如'we', 'our', 'us'等词汇。
❸这一段的说法不正确，首先圆饼图并没有提到single mothers, 说的是 'not married' 和 'married couples', 例如她们可能和男朋友或者未结婚的伴侣一起生活;
另外，原句分析错了图片，本来是分析第一张图(左边)，结果内容是第二张图(右边)的。英语的阅读顺序是从左到右，同样图表也是从左到右。
原文的语法结构也很混乱，存在很多语法错误。
At In the second pie ❶chart, it chart, it is immediately clear that ❷ more than half of the births are by married couples while almost third of the births are by single mothers.
a significantly large amount of births to women under 25 years old are to unmarried mothers, at 72%, while just 28% are to married couples.
❶ 空格错误
❷ 原句没有在描述第二张圆饼图，而且births 不是'by 'couples, 男人不能生孩子，应该是 'to'couples. 而且'third'前少了冠词'a'.
❶ As for the children. We can see With regard to Australian family composition, it can be seen that ❷ almost around ❸ 4 in every 5 children ❹ (83%) live with a family consisting of a mother and a❺ father , while the rest live either in a single mother family or a single father family.
❶ As for the children并不是一个完整句子，所以不能加句号;另外，这句话很不正式，所指的内容也不够具体。
❷ almost的意思是差不多，包含的意思是低于four in every five. 而这里的图标情况并没有“低于”的意思。
❸ 数字0-10要写成对应的英文单词，11以上的数字可以保持阿拉伯数字的形式;
❹ four in every five后增加具体的百分比使情况描述更加直观、清晰。
❺ 空格错误
❶ We can infer from these pie charts that single motherhood which was once largely limited to poor women and minorities is becoming the new norm. This prevalence is due in part to the growing trend of children born outside marriage, a social trend that was virtually unheard of decades ago.
❶对于图标情况以及相关数据进行了深入思考，并有自己的观点，这很好，但是一定要看清楚题目要求，问题只要求你对图表数据进行描述。
并且图表中并没有关于经济地位、种族的任何信息，因此你不应该对此妄加评论。另外，你所得到的只是“目前”的数据, 你无法从图表中判断数据的增长情况。
P.S.：
❶ 文中出现多次空格错误!
❷ 原文漏掉了图表中的一个重要信息点：'the average age of mothers giving birth'(30.7) ,导致信息描述不完整。
❸ 综上所述，该学生有很多语言点需要提高，例如该学生在词汇选择、语法结构方面较弱，造成句子混乱，连贯性较差，并且出现了一些拼写问题。
真的是细查极恐有木有!
原来有这么多低级错误：
小到标点，大到逻辑;
只有斟词酌句，
才能拿到高分!
各位小伙伴
快按照以上方法，
对你的作文开始纠错吧!
我们精心为大家整理的《5分雅思小作文如何逆袭7分？丨附精改详解》文章不知道大家满不满意，如果大家想了解更多语言考试相关的信息，请关注语言考试栏目。
本文来源：
https://www.dsxliuxue.com/a/93326.html
